


Not Heartless (I've Just Grown To Use My Heart Less)

by Palpatitties



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cheesy, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Miscommunication, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Content, Strangers to Lovers, Tropes, Unresolved Sexual Tension, vivid descriptions of Rey being in love without being in actual love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:40:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24449020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Palpatitties/pseuds/Palpatitties
Summary: It doesn't happen often. It just... happens. Casual.At least that's what Rey tells herself. No one needs to know, and they don't need to talk about it. It's a mutual agreement that was never really agreed upon but...It just happens. A bit of harmless fun.She just needs a bit of male attention every now and again and she guesses he's too socially stinted to get anyone else... Casualandconvenient. Easy.If only she could stop wanting and wanting. Wanting him, his eyes, his smile, his hands, his future.Where Rey finds it easier to kick someone out of bed than out of her heart, as she comes to find.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	Not Heartless (I've Just Grown To Use My Heart Less)

**Author's Note:**

> new little thing I'm working on. please let me know what you think! I'll be updating tags as i go along, but for now i have a rounded idea of where this fic is going so the basic ones have been added. more to be added as we go along. i cant see this as being too long, but we'll see where it takes us.  
> either way, i hope you enjoy my little inconsequential, totally self indulging fic x

“Rey?” 

Her name is called through her door and she groans unhappily towards it in response. She cuddles into the warmth in her bed, fully intent on going back to sleep. She has no idea what time it is and she couldn’t find it in her to care, not just yet. 

“Oh, so you are home. We were going to pop down to the pub now... did you still want to come?” Finn’s voice is muffled by the door between them and by her effort to ignore him and fall back to sleep. She’d like to go back to her dream. It was full of soft touches and even softer words, but she's not too sure, its slipping from her memory as she slowly, begrudgingly, finds herself returning to the land of the living. “It's nearly 9 o’ clock. You’ve been in there all day.” 

Rey's sleep crusted eyes shoot open at that. _Shit_ , if that were true, she had slept most of the day away. She had so much planned. For one she wanted to hit up that garden shop a couple minutes away from the apartment. She had moved in not 6 months ago and had yet to really decorate her space in a way that was, well, her. The guy who had lived in this room before her had had a bland personality and by extension, bland taste in decor. She was still thankful that he had left behind essentials; wardrobe, two bedside tables each side of her double bed and a dresser. What she couldn't appreciate was that they were all from different sets, obviously bought cheap at some second hand shop or gifts.

The two-bedroom apartment wasn’t as big as she had remembered from visiting it or crashing on the couch before she moved in. Now that she had moved all her stuff in and knew the place for all its nooks and crannies it seemed smaller. Finn and Poe’s room was on the other side of the kitchen. That was one thing she loves about it. They shared the same space but from a nice distance. It also helped when she had people staying the night. Or not people. One person. Him. 

Speaking of _him_ , she turns her head and her wide eyes met his panicked ones over her shoulder when Finn tries her door handle. Their breaths were held until they heard the unmistakable sound of him trying again. Locked. Rey tries to think which one of them had the mind to lock it on the way in. _Or on the way down_ , Rey thinks to herself, remembering that their first round was on the floor, because she had tripped on her leggings on her way to the bed and neither of the participating parties could wait long enough to get up and to the bed. 

Finn calling her name again makes her fling into action, getting up off the bed and looking around for suitable clothes. “Why have you the door locked? That’s such a fire hazard, you know that, right? It's just us in the apartment, you know we wouldn’t do anything or just barge in.” He says as the handle jiggles again, hypocrite. “Rey? Are you- Is there _someone in there with you_?” Finn asked with and incredulous gasp. 

Rey curses as she pulls on a zip-up hoodie she finds hanging on her bedpost and picks up the leggings that she tripped on a while ago. A couple of hours ago now, she reckons, at this point. 

She throws one last look at the body in her bed to see he hasn’t even moved. His arm still splayed out perpendicular to his body, where her head had been lying. His other arm on the bed where her waist had been, it had dropped when she flung herself out from under the covers. She grits her teeth. Why didn’t he move? She glares and motions her head for him to hop the fuck to it and get to the side of the room that wouldn’t be seen when she opened the door. 

His wide eyes widen even more as he snaps back to reality and he scrambles to get out from under her two duvets and stand hidden beside her wardrobe. Except, he wasn’t really hidden, because she can still hold eye contact with him over the top of it. She rolls her eyes at him when he shrugs and turns the lock in the door. 

“.... I know you’ve been stressed with your new job and all but you haven't come out for a pint in a couple of weeks so I thought-” 

Rey didn’t even realise he had still been talking. He stops when she opens the door and takes in her appearance, but only briefly, because the nosey bastard almost immediately throws his eyes over to her bed to check for another body. He looks around the bit of room Rey had allowed him to see. She leans against the half-opened door and raises an eyebrow at his antics. “Hi, yes Finn, hello. You were saying?” Her voice comes out a little too breathless for her liking. She clicks her tongue at him, meaning to be snarky, but even through the blood rushing through her ears it sounded anxious. 

“Uh, I was just... Anyway, myself and Poe were just wondering if you were still up for a few drinks? Rose, Hux and Jess are already there. We’ve been trying to reach you but your phone must be off.” Rey turns around to her right to catch sight of her phone on her dresser- she doesn’t remember putting it there- but doesn’t dare go get it, for fear Finn will push the door open more, or worse, walk in. She is not exactly ready for that conversation just yet. 

She's never had the sex talk, and she wasn’t ready to have any form of it with Finn, especially right now. _Especially_ with the guy who had had his hands, mouth and dick all over and inside her three times today, standing right there.

“Uh yeah, I forgot to put it on charge and I must have fallen asleep.” She ignores the wetness between her legs that calls her a liar. She wonders if either man can see it through the light grey material of her leggings. Panic was choking her now and was only going to get worse the longer they stood there. She hates lying. Hates lying to Finn, in particular. The man standing in front of her is her lifeline, her brother. Rey owes him her life and everything she has in it for everything he has done for her. The man behind her on the other hand... well, she owes him his privacy.

“Well, you're not the only one, have you talked to Ben today? Hux can't get a hold of him.” Finn looks at his phone after he pulls it out of his pocket, probably to look for an update. Good thing too, her mouth may be able to lie, but her cheeks never learned. She feels the heat radiating off her face as she peaks behind her to see eyes already trained on her face. He winks. If she could, she would be scowling. “Oh, wait, never mind, Hux says Ben is running a little late, lost track at the gym, he says. No wonder man is built like a brick wall," Finn mutters that last part to himself, "So, you up for it or not, Peanut?” 

Rey snaps her eyes to the arm resting on the door beside her head, and wipes imaginary dirt off of it, trying to casually play off that that’s where she was looking the whole time before turning to Finn with a tight smile. She wants this conversation to be over, immediately.

“Sure, just give me like, half an hour? I've been sleeping all day, just want to freshen up a bit. Like you said, it's been a while since I was out with you guys, right?” She slowly starts to close the door with a final comment, “You guys go ahead, you probably don’t want to hear me singing in the shower anyways. Yeah, so I'll meet you guys there. See you soon!” 

The door clicks shut and she rests her forehead against it, listening to retreating footsteps and also trying to catch her breath. 

Rey sees feet come up behind her from her staring at the floor. She would know he was behind her just from his heat, anyway. The man is always so hot, in more ways than one. He is one of the most attractive men she has ever had the pleasure of knowing- and fucking. Not that Rey would ever say that out loud, his head was big enough already. Speaking of big heads... 

She feels his erection slide alongside the top of her bum. She sighs and leans back against him as he wraps his arms low around her hips and slowly starts to grind. The cold face of his phone is a shocking sensation against her abdomen. Heat still flashes though her and makes her core throb in protest of not currently being filled, Rey notices there's a painful edge to it. She kind of likes it. She likes the ache she feels for days after.

“Your hiding place sucks ass,” his nose traces its way up her neck and she hears him inhale when he gets to her hairline. “That was too close. We shouldn't have fallen asleep.” But she knows it's not his fault. She knows that that second round lasted longer than they had- planned? They don’t plan these things- anticipated and just when Rey was about to ask him to leave, the front door had opened. 

They had waited. But eventually, some 20 minutes later, it was obvious that her two roommates weren't going to leave, or go to their own bedroom. Of course they would come home at 2 in the afternoon, on a warm Saturday, to watch reruns of The Great British Bake Off. Lying next to each other in the bed, naked, stiff as boards and both afraid to so much as breath too loudly. It had been a bit too much, but her heart pounded, not out of panic, but in response to the risqué feel to it all. Kisses all along her throat and up her neck had her on fire and melting all at once and she never even got the words out to tell him that it wouldn’t be a good idea, not with her friends being less than 10 feet from her bedroom. 

Hense, round three had commenced and she figures they both fell asleep after. 

“Hmm, you’re right, it was too close. Do you want to know what else is close? _You_ , in a minute.” He whispers in her hear and one of his hands-large, so large- slides down her front to slip through the waistband of her leggings. Just lightly touching over her clit. She allows it, a sigh slips out of her as she leans her head back against him and arches into him. He groans lowly in her ear as his other comes up to drag each individual finger against one of the buds poking over her light hoodie, slowly. It hardens almost immediately and her eyelids droop in satisfaction. Rey has always been so sensitive there, she normally hates when someone- even her, on her nights alone- plays with her nipples. For some reason, though, these big hands never do too much, never tip over the line of uncomfortable. He knows her body. 

She aches for him to be inside her again, she clenches just at the thought of. _And he's right there!_ her brain screams at her. 

She knows what she told Finn is true though, she is sticky and sweaty and she needs a shower. She tells him as much as she pulls away, her body almost completely fighting her over it (and almost winning) and steps away from him. Rey had missed out on the last few Saturday night dates with her friends, once was the fault of the man who spoke the right words and pushed all the right buttons. She has missed her friends. 

His dark eyes follow her and he doesn’t look impressed, but he doesn’t follow her. Even with his dick standing to such attention in between them. That’s one thing she never expected, one of the things she likes most about him. He never pushes, never goes too far or argues her in the bedroom. She likes almost everything about him, but it's an easy winner, he respects her boundaries and listens to her complaints and demands. Unless she asks him not to.

She picks her phone up to see that’s it's on silent and still on 70% with a dozen missed calls. She slides it in the waistband of her leggings, picks her towel off the radiator along with some clean clothes and resumes her spot in from of the door. 

“I’ll text you if the coast is clear. If not, if the guys are waiting for me to leave together, you might have to wait until we’re gone,” The corner of his mouth quirks downward and he looks at the bed, frowning. She supposes she would be pissed too if she had to hide out for the benefit of the person she was sleeping with. “Sorry about all this. It's not exactly how I planned my day going, either. But I’ll see you later?” 

Rey sees a jerky nod and then pulls the door open and steps out into the kitchen/living room area. She quickly scans around to see if her roomies are anywhere within the open space as she closes the door behind her. No sign of them. She swiftly sneaks a look inside their open bedroom door on her way to the bathroom. Nothing either. 

_Thank the stars_. 

She locks herself in and sends off a quick text apologising again but saying the coast was clear. She sighs as she turns on the shower and strips. She looks at herself in the mirror, noting a few dark bruises along her collarbones and shoulders, she spots one under her small breast too. She traces her fingers over them with a slight pressure. This was one thing she had never had a thing for, the whole ‘marking someone up’ thing. However, the more she was given, the more she loves the idea of having them. 

In places no one would see, for obvious reasons. She likes that they were only for her and only for her to see. 

She checks to see if her message was seen and hops into under the steaming water when she sees that it has, though no reply. She thinks again about how annoyed she would be too if someone kicked her out so surreptitiously. Without so much as a goodbye kiss, or thank you. It would be weird to thank someone for sex though, like they had done you a favour. And goodbye kisses, that just wasn’t really their thing. Not that they had a 'thing', it's just that if they did, that wouldn't be it.

She tries not to think about him when she's in the shower though, because she usually ends up with her mouth open in a silent scream as she comes on her fingers. She feels that throbbing again between her legs. Even just thinking about not thinking about him has her body reacting some type of way. She sometimes wishes that they lived in an alternate universe where she didn't have to lock the door behind her and he can just walk in. Where her friends know what she is doing, or (when she is feeling particularly needy) she imagines it's their own apartment, and it's just them and their houseplants. She never holds onto those thoughts for long, though, she was never a big dreamer.

When her skin starts pruning and she knew she was already later than the 20 minutes she told the guys (or was it 30 minutes? Either way she was late), she steps out onto the soft bathmat and towels herself off before slipping into the clothes she picked from her drawer. 

She drops her dirty clothes in the wash basket before returning to her room, the door is open, so she knows it'll be empty. She walks in and is hit with the smell- of him, of sex, of _them_. How Finn didn't catch on to that, is beyond her. She opens her room window just a crack, putting the safety on it, praying that not too many insects will take up residence while she's out. She shovels her feet into her brown boots, she thinks they go well with her white ¾ length leggings and short sleeve top. She grumbles to herself about _how she would prefer a tank top but of course she has to cover up his stupid lovebites_. Rey frowns as she looks around for her phone, because for one, its in her hand and two, she knows she would prefer to have the marks and bites all over her body over a tank top. She rolls her eyes at herself and goes to pick up her wallet from the bedside table. And freezes. 

Only hers isn't the only one there. A thicker, older looking wallet sits there, almost mockingly. _Motherfucker_.... Dude has the mind to grab his phone when he practically flies out of bed but can't think to pick up his wallet when he leaves. Typical. 

She grabs that too and puts them both in her back pockets and leaves the apartment. She doesn’t bother grabbing her keys, they're too bulky in her pockets anyway, she’ll just come back when Finn and Poe do. 

By the time she makes it to the pub, not even a 15-minute walk from their flat, its already 10:25. Rey walks in the open door, she is thankful the barkeep decided to leave it open, the summer humidity would be killer inside such a small space. She notes that not many booths or bar stools are filled up, just the regulars. She supposes most would be in nightclubs or at home pre-drinking this kind of night. Saturdays are not really for hole in the wall pubs in this city. 

She waves to the guy on shift behind the bar tonight, and makes her way to the back corner to the usual table. She's met with wide smiles that she returns with her own sheepish one. Finn makes fun of how she always takes too long to shower and should have known 30 minutes wouldn’t really be 30 minutes. She rolls her eyes and accepts the pint he slides in front of her when she slides into their booth. She passes him the money for the drink, he rolls his eyes but knows not to say anything as he deposits the measly €3.80 into his summer shirt pocket.

Rey says her 'hello's and apologies- for being late and for not being around as much the last few pub dates- and swallows and notes the missing body. “So, you couldn’t get a hold of Ben, you said?” She asks no one in particular and she immediately takes a long sip of her now lukewarm drink because she. Well, she doesn’t know, she just needs to be doing something with her mouth that’s not possibly digging a hole. She asks half in hope that he had changed his mind and is not joining them for the night, half in hope that he does show.

Hux is the one to speak up. His eyes narrow at her, she doesn’t think he does it on purpose, it's just something he does, but it doesn’t make her feel any less scrutinised. “He text a few times, last I heard he was on the way, he's been busy the last couple of days so I doubt he'll actually-” Hux cuts off with a surprised noise. “Never mind, speak of the devil and he shall appear and all that.” he says in a murmur. Rose, to the left of him, bless her, smacks his arm and demands he play nice. 

Rey takes another swig- or two, or three- in lieu of turning around to see him walk through the door. She notes that he doesn’t have a drink already bought for him on the table. She knows he is the newest to the group, but that seems just a little rude. It was something they always did. If one was late, someone would buy their drink. The later they were, the warmer and more flat their drink was. It was a great incentive to be on time. Hux's idea, of course. No one was impressed at the beginning, as one would imagine (especially those who always had an incline to being late, Rey was not impressed when it became a _thing_ , and her first drink is now always warm). But now it's something they just did. Ben had been a part of this group longer than she had been living in the flat above that lovely smelling bakery with Finn and Poe. 

She knows he's not the most talkative, or that big a drinker, or that nice when he is drunk...basically the opposite of everyone in their little makeshift family (well not completely family. She is still wary of Hux, he appeared around less than two years ago when Rose introduced him as her boyfriend. He had looked down his nose at all of them and made snide remarks at everything. Took a while to get used to it and realise that that literally is just how he is and he doesn’t mean anything by it. Such an opposite to Rose, the sweet breath of fiery fresh air that she was. But first impressions never left Rey, so she never quite warmed). 

The friend he had eventually started to bring along with him though (Mister Tall, Dark and Silent) was introduced as a childhood friend by Hux, roughly a year ago. Where Hux had a remark for everything, whether it rubbed the right way or not, this guy, Ben just...didn’t have a reply at all. The first few weeks of him showing up to their weekly pub dates had just been him saying hello, having one or two drinks, saying goodbye and then leaving well before anyone else. 

Took Ben months to warm enough to start laughing at the jokes and insults thrown around. Quiet, but there. Rey had always watched him then, found him so odd. Not mysterious, just odd. Because who is she kidding this isn't a romance novel, people aren't mysterious or brooding. Except Ben kind of...was. It fascinated her to no end how long he could stare at one point on the table without moving his eyes or body. 

She watched him slowly opening up, watched how his mouth creased around the edges when he did that lopsided smile. How one hand would always stay on his glass, like he feared someone might take it, or something. She noticed little things then, how he tucked his hair behind his too-big ears but one bit just refused to stay. She also began wondering if the guy wore anything other than...dark. Not that she could imagine him in any other colour, though. Black suited him, but Rey always imagined a red sweater would suit his dark hair, or even just a grey one. She would daydream during these nights out (usually while staring at his broad shoulders and chest, but no one needs to know that) about buying him a shirt or something in a colour other than black and how he would fight her on it and tell her how he hates it but eventually would come around to the idea of it and then it would become his favourite thing to wear.

She eventually stopped watching. Because it got too much, because...because, well- 

She physically jolts against the table when a knee accidentally hits against hers. The offending legs- such longs legs, she hopes she isn't drooling- bend so the body they're attached to can sit down in the seat beside her. 

“Sorry,” Ben says to her. She stares at his crease, he's smiling. The smiles wide enough to show flashes of his crooked teeth are her favourite, they seem more genuine. It's those smiles that show how soft he can actually be. If she was in an alternative universe, she'd cup his cheek while smiling back at him and their friends wouldn't even bat an eyelash, maybe just make fun of them for being to lovey. But she is not a 'lovey' person, and Ben probably doesn't want their _arrangement_ to become 'lovey'. Instead, she looks away when she tells him it’s fine. He greets their friends with a nod and one soft " _hello_." She notices he hasn't bought himself a drink. He has a glass of water in front of him. 

There is silence for a split second too long until Hux says, “Are you ever on time for anything? We said 8:30.” and it feels like the rooms breaths again, or maybe just her. 

“Are you not having a drink?” Its Poe that speaks now, from around Finn and Rey, to Ben. 

“I have an early start tomorrow, don’t want to wake up foggy.” Rey knows for a fact he doesn't have shit to do tomorrow. Other than go to the gym. She knows because she asked if he wanted to come over after the guys left their flat for work in the early afternoon. That had turned into "I don't want to wait that long" and "I'm coming over now" which morphed into their sexcapade that came to a crashing halt over an hour ago.

“Not even the one? Oh sure, okay.” Although complaining, Poe doesn’t push, just shrugs and leaves it at that, turns back to listen to the story Jess is telling about an old lady stripping in her shop yesterday to try on an outfit. Complete with a detailed account of cheek butt moles and wrinkly 'front bits'. 

Rey would listen too, but instead she takes another gulp of her drink and darts her eyes to the man next to her, his eyes are already cast in her direction, not directly looking at her, but enough to deny if he gets called out. He raises his eyebrow just a fraction. 

She slips her hand under the table and taps his thigh, once, twice, before taking- with delayed effort- the wallet out of her back pocket. She slides it onto his lap, over his groin and gives it a good hard pat for good measure. It's his turn to jolt and he coughs into his water. 

“You alright there, Ben? Go down the wrong way, did it? Poor pet.” Rey says as she uses the hand that was under the table to wipe and pat his back sympathetically. One of her cheeks twitches in amusement when his watery eyes glare at her. 

The others share pitying looks with Ben as he clears his throat. He nods his okay and he slides out of the booth. 

“Just need to pop to the bathroom, I'll be right back.” He rasps. He doesn’t look at the one smirking face as he walks away, hand in pocket. She has heard _that_ voice before, and an involuntary pool of heat settles in her belly.

Rey joins in the conversation about the best way to make scrambled eggs. “With milk and cheese.” argues Poe against Rose, some oppose to the addition of cheese, especially Finn. While Jess nearly gags over the thought of Rey preferring to cook hers in the microwave. 

“It’s makes them fluffier! And it takes up so much less time, like 4 minutes. Tops.” Rey argues with her hand in the air, as if that would help her side of the fight. Ben bumps her hand with his elbow as it swings in his direction and nearly knocks into his new drinks as he sits down. Rey falters and draws back her hand with an apology. She keeps apologising him today. Poe comments, amused, how Ben changed his mind fairly quickly, "Couldn't stand us sober, is it?" He ignores the question to turn to Jess.

“It also lessens the chance of them burning. Can’t burn eggs in a microwave.” Setting down the two beers in front of him, Ben settles easily into his spot next to Rey, thighs touching.. He winks at her slyly, she thinks she might poke it out one of these days. 

Instead she blushes, knowing he’s thinking of the one time he had to stay the night during a particularly rainy night around August time. Ben had forgone his car and walked to hers from the gym, she remembers tasting his salty skin, and fists in his damp hair. He was tired and his muscles were fatigued, she made sure to take good care of him. And if she personally kissed as many of his muscles as she could in appreciation of their effort, well, then no one has to know. A good fucking night. Only they hadn't predicted the weather to change so drastically, and she couldn’t let Ben walk an hour or so- she actually had no idea where he lived- in the rain and wind. 

Finn and Poe had left for their respective jobs before they rose. It was the first time he had stayed over. And the last time she tried cooking them breakfast. Thank god they were keeping it a secret because if Finn and Poe were there, they would have never let her live it down. Fine with his ‘fire safety’ and Poe with just pure mockery of her cooking skills. It was not her fault; Ben had leaned against the counter with nothing but his underwear on and. And it just wasn’t her fault that the only thing that reminded her of her eggy meal was the fire alarm going off around them. 

She takes a sip of her drink to cover up her blush only to realise it's her last mouthful. Has she been that awkward? She doesn’t particularly want to ask Ben to stand up or move at all to let her get to the bar. So, even though it pains her to sit here and not nurse a drink, she puts her empty glass on the table and listens to Jessie and Rose gang up on Hux for scrambling his eggs in the oven, while Poe and Finn are either gagging or shaking with laughter in his face. Even Rey can get behind that. Who does that? That’s psychopath energy right there. 

A new drink is slid slowly in front of Rey and she takes her time sliding her gaze up the arm that’s pushing it toward her. She gets to his face to see nothing there. He’s just looking at her. She sees something in his eyes though. She was never one of those ‘deep’ kinds of people who could read people's eyes or interpret their emotions. She didn’t grow up around enough people to figure out what goes on in their heads. Seeing something there gives her a shiver of goosebumps down along her spine, nonetheless.

His eyebrow twitches up and he pulls his hand back, leaving the drink. She suppresses a goofy grin, instead giving him a small smile and a nod. They don't break eye contact until Poe's fist bangs on the table with laughter. It shoots panic through the inside of her veins until she looks around the table to see that everyone is too busy taking the piss- this time for folding his underwear and colour coordinating them in his drawers- out of an angry Hux, who is resolutely staring at the table and mumbling angrily. The perspiration on the glass works well to cool down the flush covering what felt like her whole body.

It's not a big deal, it isn't. 

It's nothing. It's absolutely nothing that he's the only one she accepts drinks from. Because his drinks aren't from friends’ pity because she was late on rent a few days before and had nothing left after it. Or from creepy college guys who just wanted her less sober than she was. He just... bought her one to buy her one. It meant nothing. It was nothing. It was just convenient. 

She sips her new pint and closes her eyes at the crispness of it, so much nicer that the warm one she had beforehand. Ben’s hand finds her thigh and gives a quick, but still _so_ deliciously drawn-out, squeeze, before he retracts his hand and looks to re-join the argument. Rey closes her eyes and tries to will the image of his big hand and the imprints of each individual finger on her skin from her mind and body. She was never one for meditation but she's thinking she just might get into it to survive moments like these.

Rey realises for the umpteenth time tonight that she has no idea what her friends, her oh so oblivious friends, are talking about, what ridiculous topic they had decided to dispute this time. She watches the group without actually hearing anything. She wonders when it became like this. Being there without being involved. Without even having to think of an answer Rey knows she has one.

She knows she hasn’t been paying attention to anything at the table since Ben arrived. Tonight, and every night since he first arrived. Which is what usually happens unless she actively tries to focus herself. 

Which is why she stopped watching. She had to. 

Because when she did, he started becoming the only thing she saw. 


End file.
